Do I have to choose?

Have you felt like you are caught in between your parents, and the only way to please one parent is to show that you dislike the other?

You may feel like you are being caught in between and be pressured to choose a side.

Examples of such situations:

• Getting you to convey their words to the other parent on their behalf.

• Urging you to take a side and agree with them.

• Convincing you to spy on the other parent, particularly on new romantic relationships they have.

• Asking for more information from you about the other parent.

• Making remarks about the other parent that makes you feel uncomfortable.

What can you do if you feel caught in between?

If your parents feel resentment towards each other and are overwhelmed with difficult emotions, it may be difficult for them to recognise that they have put you in a painful position.

• Use the “I” message technique:

  • When we communicate using "I" messages, we share what's in our hearts and minds without putting others on the defensive. It opens up space for dialogue with your parents and focuses on finding solutions rather than place blame.

• Communicate your thoughts and feelings of discomfort with your parents. Share what you like them to do differently.

• "I feel upset when I need to take a side when you both argue. I love both of you and wish that you could resolve your differences without asking me to choose."

• "I feel hurt when you say I don’t love you because I agree with dad/mom. I feel differently about what happened during the fight, but I love both of you the same."